My Fail Lady
by hanyou-katie
Summary: Drocell x Grell crack fic. 'Nuff said. Warnings: violence, stupidity, and yaoi. Enjoy.


"London bridge is falling down falling down, falling down. London bridge is falling down, my fair lady." Drocell Cainz sang softly to the lovely lady who was currently sitting on his lap.

"Would "my fair lady" be referring to me?" The lady asked with a chuckle.

"Of course, my fair lady." Drocell said with a smile as he ran his fingers through his fair lady's long, soft, crimson-colored locks. His lady leaned in for a kiss, but hesitated and pulled away.

"Something just crawled out of your ear." Grell Sutcliff said, wrinkling 'her' nose in disgust. Drocell cocked his head to the side, and sure enough, another termite fell out of his ear.

"Oh dear. Please excuse me, my lady." Drocell turned away from his lady, hoping that she wouldn't see, but Grell noticed despite Drocell's efforts to hide it.

"Are those...termites in your ears?" Grell asked, with disgust evident in 'her' tone. Drocell shamefully nodded his head.

"Yes, my lady. I intended to keep this a secret from you as long as possible, but I'm actually made of wood. Please forgive me for not telling you sooner."

Grell sighed and placed 'her' hand on Drocell's cheek, and turned the puppet's head so they were facing each other again. "Drocell, don't worry about it. Despite the termites, you're still the sexiest wooden man that I've ever seen." She said with a grin and leaned in to capture Drocell's lips in a quick kiss. "I also have a secret that I've been keeping from you that I'd like to confess... but first, I'd like to see your 'wood'."

His wood? Drocell was a bit confused. What was Grell talking about when she said that she wanted to see his 'wood'. Wait...the indecent way that Grell was touching him...the sultry looks that she was giving him...oh, THAT wood. "Mhm, okay. My wood is quite firm right now, actually." Drocell said in a lewd tone, finally understanding the innuendo that Grell had used.

"Mmm~ I do love hardwood~" Grell practically purred as she moved her hand to massage the growing bulge at the front of Drocell's trousers. "Ah~! Mine is getting stiff, too!"

"WHAT?" Drocell asked, his eyes widening a bit at what he just heard. Grell was a lady, surely she couldn't have a...

"Oops, did I say that out loud? What an unladylike thing to say! I guess my secret is out now..."

Drocell eyed Grell suspiciously and placed his hand on Grell's crotch area, only to find that Grell had a stiff bulge forming under her...no, his skirt that was very similar to the one at the front of Drocell's trousers.

"You're male." Drocell said simply, causing Grell to laugh nervously.

"Heh...biologically, yes. But inside, I'm a true lady. I fully intended to tell you...I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner." Grell said sheepishly. Drocell pulled Grell back onto his lap.

"Please don't be so concerned about it. You're the loveliest man I've ever seen. While I prefer young girls for my dolls, I don't care about the gender of my personal toys." He said before kissing Grell again, more passionately this time. Grell let out a pleased sigh; Drocell's lips were surprisingly soft and warm for being made out of wood. Drocell echoed that sigh; he was pleasantly surprised to find that Grell's erection pressing against his through their clothes felt quite nice.

Grell suddenly pulled away from the kiss and gave Drocell a suggestive smirk. "Hey Drocell, do you want to start a fire?"

"A fire?" Drocell gave Grell a puzzled look.

"Yes. We can start a fire by rubbing our wood together." Grell explained in a lewd tone, and moved to unbutton Drocell's pants and free his sizable 'piece of hardwood'.

"That sounds like a nice idea." Drocell returned the favor by lifting Grell's skirt up to his waist and sliding off his feminine panties to reveal a decent sized erection. Grell gasped softly and sat on Drocell's lap again, pressing their 'wood' together. They both moaned; the feeling was even better than when their clothed erections had been pressed together.

Grell removed one of his black gloves, took both of their erections in his soft hand, and began stroking them. He thrust his hips up, rubbing his 'wood' against Drocell's for more delicious friction. "You're making me feel quite hot, my...fair 'lady'" Drocell panted, resting his head on Grell's shoulder and gently nibbling at the side of Grell's neck. The slight pain of the bites sent heat straight to Grell's groin, and he moaned loudly, feeling like he was already getting close to release.

"Ah! Yes! You're making me feel so hot; I'm burning up!" Grell threw his head back in pleasure. He was getting so close, the seconds were melting together in pure ecstasy. Drocell began thrusting his hips up as well, which created even more wonderful friction. This was so good, it felt absolutely heavenly...

Grell felt a sudden, searing pain in his groin, and he cried out in pain and roughly pulled away from Drocell. Before Drocell could ask his 'lady' what the problem was, Grell had revved his chainsaw and cut a gaping hole in Drocell's chest in his rage. Straw and termites poured out of his chest, and Drocell could only watch with sadness, pain, and confusion as his fair 'lady' re-dressed himself and sprinted away crying.

-

William T. Spears relaxed in his easy chair with a book and a hot cup of tea. Not only had he finally gotten a break from paperwork, but he'd gotten a break from that noisy, red-haired nuisance. He was out on a soul-collecting mission. Or at least he was supposed to be. In reality, he was probably off gallivanting with God-knows-who. But it was William's day off, and while it made him a tiny bit jelous, it wasn't his problem right now. Ah, it was so quiet without Grell's screeching...

"WILLIAM HELP ME! IT HUUUURTS!" Grell burst into William's apartment as if on cue, completely destroying the peace and quiet that William had been enjoying.

"Sutcliff! Calm down! What hurts?" William said with an exasperated sigh, then noticed that Grell was clutching his crotch with one hand. "Did that demon kick you again?"

"N-no, it's not Sebastian's fault this time, it's...Oh, it burns and aches!"

William put down his book and his tea and gave up his comfortable sitting position to get up and walk over to Grell. "What's the problem? Let me see."

"Oh, are you trying to take advantage of this situation? You perver-OWWWW!"

William ignored Grell's whining and simply ripped off the ridiculous skirt that Grell insisted on wearing, then ripped off the skimpy pair of women's underwear that he had on, revealing Grell's slightly swollen, red member, and...

"GRELL SUTCLIFF! How on earth did you get splinters on your penis?" William asked, feeling disgusted, incredulous, and a little amazed.

"I-it's not my f-fault...he should have...s-sanded it!" Grell bawled, covering his face with his hands. William shook his head with disbelief and left Grell to stand there sobbing while he went into the bathroom to get a pair of tweezers and a bottle of painkillers. As an afterthought, he grabbed a roll of duct tape to tape Grell's mouth shut. He didn't want to hear the neighbors complaining about the volume of Grell's screams. He'd already gotten many of those complaints on many different occasions, and he didn't want any more.


End file.
